Are you a conflict-avoider? When it comes to “fight or flight,” do you choose flight?
It’s natural. Many of us want to avoid conflict because we’ve had bad experiences with it in the past. Conflict may have impacted, perhaps seriously damaged, our relationships with co-workers, friends and family. That’s because most of us don’t know how to have the difficult conversations that conflict requires the difficult conversations that can actually strengthen a relationship if the conflict situation is managed well.
Good relationships aren’t defined by the absence of conflict. They’re defined by the ability to handle conflict well.
So the goal and challenge is to manage conflict effectively. Not “fight or flight,” but “manage and move forward.”
There’s a typical dynamic that occurs in conflict situations. Conflicts often start with an accusation. That accusation is countered with another accusation or some kind of defense, like a justification.
The situation then escalates and will keep going back and forth until something derails the escalation: one party storms out of the room; one party clams up and disengages; maybe one party punches the other in the nose. Or one person is willing to stop, step outside the escalation, and actually hear what the other person is saying. Then take ownership and action.
One party can defuse the situation, manage the conflict, and even strengthen the relationship by acknowledging a small piece of what the other person is saying and committing to act on it.
It sounds odd, but there’s an upside to conflict. People are usually in conflict about things they care about. There’s passion and conviction behind that conflict. And where there’s passion, there’s possibility for transformation; there’s energy; there’s commitment.
Next week, we’ll talk about more about managing conflict by committing to action.